I can feed the caterpillar, whisper through the
chrysalis, but what hatches follows
its own nature and is beyond me.

★★★

TRIGGER WARNING: abuse, addiction, cults, death, drugs and alcohol, murder, religious themes, violence.

• DOSSIER
• BACKGROUND
• VERSES
• FORGET-ME-NOTS

I. DUBLIN, IRELAND ⸻

For as long as he could recall, Atticus had relived the sins of his past and believed he ought to be condemned. Not only was he replete with self-reproach, he also was teetering on the edge of a precipice, seemingly on the consistent threshold of collapse. His entire life was, indeed, precarious by nature, nothing short of a parade of shortcomings. Fittingly enough, he was born in the bath of his home on an evening rain was lashing down. It was as though he was humiliated into a scrap of flesh and bone. He was the second-born twin and was immediately motherless due to unforeseen complications. The cause was never fully clarified; his bastard of a father was tight-lipped about anything that was worth mentioning.He grew up in the coastal suburbs of Dublin, where nothing more interesting than yesterday could happen. Raised Catholic, his father was expectant of the twins, obliging them to prioritise faith. His father was a fisherman, and more often than not, he had a belly full of beer, even on the job. He reeked of it and staggered everywhere he went. He was no brute by any means, nor outwardly cruel, at least physically. Gaunt and glass-boned, his face was mottled and he had a laugh that rasped like a cough. The short old man had a tongue for carping, and was always giving out. The twins relied on each other as a result of his neglect. At his best, his kindness extended only so far as offering the occasional handful of coins for a bag of sweets. Naturally, as unsupervised as the boys were, they were aimless with a knack for devilment, like pocketing dad’s smokes, and wading into whatever trouble they could get their grimy little hands into.His brother, Aleck, was not the kind of great influence. He had weary raven eyes and was a megalomaniac nuisance to those around him. Granted, it wasn’t his place to be a guide, nor could anyone reasonably expect it of him. But he comprised the entirety of Atticus' world, and the two were inseparable. For whatever Aleck brought forth, nonsensical as it was, Atticus was his sheep. And he had lost his brother to what Atticus believed to be his own idiocy. They climbed the rocky shores, which were only a stone’s throw from their neighbourhood. The rocky terrain was slick underfoot, ideal for his lack of self-preservation. And despite how treacherous the climb, Atticus' insistence was adamant, daring his brother up even higher. There wasn't so much as a flit of a warning before the fall sent Aleck plummeting off the crag and into the water's froth.Since then, his lapses in time and memory began. It worsened after his father exacerbated his guilt, assailing him with reproaches. There was never any retaliation to offer on Atticus’ behalf as he believed himself responsible. His recollections, especially related to his brother, were slippery and inconsistent. Sometimes he was certain of a reality where his twin was still alive; at other times, he could not recall him at all. Corresponding gaps extended to his identity; he would lose his name, track of time, where he was, or fail to recognise his father. It was only in dreams when memories seldom resurfaced, none reliable or sustained. Within the passing months, his father became more neglectful as Atticus' amnesia worsened, more than he already had until he wouldn't speak a word to him, and was driven out of the house. Lacking any semblance of financial stability, he cobbled together his savings to move to an Alaskan town him and brother had dreamt of visiting after seeing photographs in father's fishing books.

II. SITKA, ALASKA ⸻

In Sitka, he collected bits and pieces of home: the salt in the air, his lungs of brine, pockets of periwinkles, and fishing during his spare time. However, with the bite of snowfall, leaden skies, and short-lived days throughout the winter. Disoriented upon his arrival, there were periods where he had forgotten why he had even gone to Alaska. At first, he was homeless and temporarily stayed at a church organised shelter, where he met a charismatic laywoman by the name of Elizabeth. Atticus, of course, amnesiac, unstable, and bereft of parental guidance, was disarmingly pliable and influenced, incapable of even beginning to doubt her intentions. She saw in Atticus a lamb-like naiveté, a tender, unformed thing with a heart precariously full of unobtainable dreams. Elizabeth contributed financially to secure a place for him at a small liberal arts college where she worked as a professor. Her generosity afforded him both footing and opportunity.During his first term, he was indoctrinated into her cult. It was precisely the vulnerable students, like Atticus, whom she ferreted out and exploited in a strangely maternal manner. They had already been isolated as it was, so the group of her students effortlessly formed a close-knit bond. And in spite of all the lies he spewed to fit in with his wealthy counterparts, Atticus felt, for the first time, a sense of belonging.
Through classes, he met Odette, a woman with the divinity and beauty of a flight of doves. She had her hand in luring him further into the cult. Her involvement in its formation was far more extensive than he first reckoned. She herself was something to be worshipped, and worship her he did. Her aloofness had not deterred him, in fact, quite the opposite. He fancied her, dearly, and after many little quarrels and the secretive exchange of letters, they began dating, which led to their eventual marriage.Elizabeth's occult teachings nurtured the indoctrination behind their faith of worshipping the wilderness as a sentient, supernatural entity. The group saw a specific virtue in empiricism; one must be observant, and have a keen, open mind. They ritualised communion with the divine for ends both mystical and salvific. It was always the matter of tribute, too; so long as they please the Gods, the Gods will please them.
When the cold pressed lowest, they convened for bacchanals in the Alaskan wilderness. As intended, it wrought a slew of madness. Gluttonously, they indulged in illicit substances, most of which were unknown to him. They sacrificed for the prowling oracle, as a matter of appeasing her. Atticus' already severely untreated dissociative amnesia was exacerbated by the extreme demands, substances, sleep deprivation, and psychological manipulation. Most of the time, he was disoriented; he could not even recall why he was in the wilderness. And with the obedience of a dog, he did just as he was told.He accepted, albeit begrudgingly, his appointment as an executioner. The bloodshed was so painstakingly deplorable, his mind often recoiled from it. Morally confused, he carried out these acts of violence, believing he would be granted atonement. Yet the oracle took no heed and the guilt nagged at him. Atticus was cunningly compelled to believe that his sole path to redemption was in martyrdom. Sent to be the next sacrifice, he lay for slaughter like a lamb in an abattoir, and would have been gutted had his wife, Odette not intervened.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION. MORE TO BE ADDED.

  NAME:   Atticus Austen Starling.
  NICKNAMES:   Star, Atti.
  BIRTHDATE:   March 17, 1961.
  GENDER:   Cisgender man   /   he, him.
  ZODIAC:   Pisces (unfortunately).
  BIRTHPLACE:   Dublin, Ireland.
  RESIDENCY:   Sitka, Alaska  
  SEXUAL ORIENTATION:   Bisexual, strongly women leaning.
  RELATIONSHIP STATUES:   Divorced or married, depending on the day.    
  EDUCATION:   Began his studies in pre-med, was nauseated by it, and performed woefully. In any case, he lost his father’s financial backing, withdrew, and eventually attended a small, elite liberal arts college, where he studied music and classics.
  OCCUPATION(S):   Shiphand   /   Con Artist   /   Music History Lecturer
  CITIZENSHIP:   Irish.
  ACCENT:   Irish.
  LANGUAGES:   English, Ancient Greek, Latin, Spanish, Irish.
  RELIGION:   Raised Catholic. Indoctrinated into a cult.

  GENERAL:   Think of him as a mutt of a man, not in a manner which he is approachable and affable. Quite the contrary. He is skittish and doggedly searches for any sign that he has done well. He is loyal and will offer his devotion. He has a heart too naive for his own good. As a result of trauma, Atticus is often detached from reality and experiences lapses in time and has distorted recollections. His amnesia is generalised and continuous. He forgets extended periods of his life and aspects pertaining to his identity. Time is fuzzy and disorienting. He can suddenly lose track of conversations, even the day’s events prove scattersome. By nature of isolation thanks to his not-so-tender-hearted father, he has a proneness to be a square peg in a round hole. He is not the kind for social niceties. Not out of malice, but estrangement. He believes himself morally corrupt by nature, a sinner unworthy of redemption. This belief drives him to commit violent acts in pursuit of absolving himself as promised by the cult he was indoctrinated into. He is guilt-ridden by the death of his brother, and by all the blood on his hands. He hopes to be better. Nonetheless, he can be a sharp-tongued bastard, and come across very aloof. He is a criminal with a history of murder, larceny, and conning. When his guard is down, his tenderness is eye-catching. He has a knack for witticisms and relies on humour in conversation.
  HOBBIES:   Photography: stemmed later in life from a need to preserve his memories, given his amnesia. He had always delighted in journaling and writing, and after experiencing losses in memory, the habit amplified. Collects memorabilia and archives excessively. He and his brother taught each other how to play guitar and piano. He sings and taught himself the cello. Collects vinyl records, guitars, first edition books, and multiple editions of Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssey, including copies in Ancient Greek. His father was a fisherman and taught him how to fish at a young age, which is something he still greatly enjoys. He wants to learn how to cook, though trusting him in the kitchen would be a grave mistake as proven again and again. Whittles wood in his spare time. Seeing as he lives in a quaint cabin in the Alaskan wilderness, he is much of a man of nature: hunting, hiking, birding, camping. Poker and gambling. Occasional larceny, as a treat.
  DELIGHTS:   His most prized possession: his (stolen) typewriter. Dogs (especially strays). Lighthouses. Doing cocaine in unusual places. Strawberry thumbprint cookies (must be heart-shaped). Chunky silver rings and antique jewelry. The first fall of snow. Music history. Literature: is especially drawn to introspective, philosophical works, absurdist fiction, gothic literature, and sci-fi. Music: wide-ranging, from avant-garde, classical, jazz, 80s pop, and blues to garage rock and grunge.
  DISDAINS:   Having two pennies to his name. His birthday. Physical affection, unless from someone he trusts. Insects: recurrent in his nightmares, and his brother used to throw them on him as kids. Men: has a general distrust of men and is weary of them because of his father. The heat due to his low tolerance for it.
  TIDBITS:   Spent a few months successfully running a poker con as a source of income. Professional boy failure. Takes in strays. Ambidextrous. Has a mild stutter. Chronic chainsmoker. Polyglot. As a child, he was nicknamed ‘Chuck’ after Charlie Brown from Peanuts for his sulky demeanour and his great ability to be met with inconveniences. Misses deadlines. Has been fired from every job he has had. Writes exclusively on his typewriter because he is a pretentious bastard. Concerningly adept at stealing.
  MBTI:   INFP (Mediator).
  TEMPERAMENT:   Melancholy.

  PHYSICAL AILMENTS:   Chronic Fatigue. Prone to migraines, headaches, and muscle tensions.
  MENTAL DISORDERS:   Dissociative Amnesia. Autism Spectrum Disorder. Depersonalisation-derealisation Disorder. Insomnia. Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
(Note: Most of these are not known to him)
  VICES:   Very frequent smoker, started at a young age. Heavily consumes alcohol; prefers beer (stout and lager) and whiskey. Though if you offer him any liquor, he will have no problem refusing. A pretty common marijuana user, recreationally only. Experimented with hallucinogens and other hard substances, especially with classmates in college under questionable circumstances. Admittedly, would do questionable things for a line of blow.

  HEIGHT:   168 cm / 5'6
  EYES:   Brown.
  HAIR:   Inherited from his father. Thick waves of dark hair that dip past his ears.
  FACIAL HAIR:   Clean-shaven more often than not, save for the occasional scruff of a day or two’s stubble.
  FEATURES:   A spatter of freckles along the bridge of his nose and upper cheeks. Hands battered and calloused fingertips from years of guitar. Various unsightly scars from his time in the cult, most of, if not all, he does not recall receiving. His most prominent scar cuts through his abdomen from a dagger. Dull purpling under his eyes due to a lack of sleep.
  STYLE:   Was a more casual dresser until he started attending an elite college. In an effort to fit in and present himself as more respectable among his wealthy peers, he started dressing more formally. He prefers neutral earth tones and soft textures. Nearly everything he owns is either thrifted or stolen. His most beloved tie is silk and patterned with little trout. Never takes off his cross necklace nor his Claddagh ring.
  FACECLAIM:   Elijah Hewson.

  MOTHER:   Name unknown to him. [†] — no recollection.
  FATHER:   Mackinley Flainn Starling. [unknown] — Name is only known to him from written memorabilia.
  TWIN BROTHER:   Alexander (Aleck) Austen Starling. [†]
  WIFE / OCCASIONAL EX-WIFE:   Odette Lockwood.
  PETS:   Scraps: Stray borzoi he took in. Well-mannered and calm.
Dogstoevsky: A brindle mutt. Also a stray he found. Timid teddy bear of a dog with an anxiety disorder (like father, like son?)
Barkin' Bag: A spoiled yorkie given to him by a beloved friend, Junie.
Spring(field): Sweetest bull terrier with a splotched eye and ear. Named after his likeliness to Rick Springfield's Working Class Dog album cover.

MODERN.

Canon in contemporary times.

1980s.

This is Atticus' main verse. All of the events are the same as the modern timeline; difference in time period. The college timeline is set throughout the mid-1980s.

AU: SON OF WILL GRAHAM.

Under Construction.

Excerpt from an (unnamed) poem.

★ ⸻ HEALTH.

  PHYSICAL AILMENTS:   Chronic Fatigue. Prone to migraines, headaches, and muscle tensions.
  MENTAL DISORDERS:   Dissociative Amnesia. Autism Spectrum Disorder. Depersonalisation-derealisation Disorder. Insomnia. Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. [Note: Most of these are not known to him]
  VICES:   Very frequent smoker, started at a young age. Alcohol usage, not as excessively, but enough to use when needed to cope. A pretty common marijuana user, recreationally only. Experimented with hallucinogens and other hard substances, especially with classmates in college under questionable circumstances. Admittedly, would do questionable things for a line of blow.